Thoughtless Thursday #020

Assalamualaikum, heyya. It's been so long since the last time I did this entry. This weeks had been a pure torture for me. It's so hard that I had been having anxiety every night. It was so bad that I need to cry myself to sleep. I'm not sure what triggered me to be in this condition but I am better now. Maybe its because of hormone. Whatever it is, I hope to not experience that ever again. The entry under this title usually very short and well, thoughtless. But for today, I had so many things to rant about because this week was very terrible for me. 

not mine; credited to the rightful owner

• Future

Let's be honest, we had no idea what the future had for us. We absolutely and surely know nothing of what we will be in the future. We don't know what's right and wrong for us. The things that we need to choose, the parts that we need to walk on, the people we will meet, everything was nothing but a blank space. And to make that blank space colorful and unique, we need to make a decision. What color should we use, what picture should we draw, which step should be taken care of, everything, need a decision. No matter how small and trivial the step is, it will count in for our future.

And just like everyone else. I have never stop worrying about my future. I really really wish that I can just 'live in the moment' and stop worrying of what had yet to come but I just can't. It wasn't me. Last week, the result for rayuan UPU came out and I was not accepted to any public university. To be honest, I don't know what and how I should feel because first off, I am currently taking my car license and that alone had cost me (more like my mother) a fee that equivalent to one semester in university. And if I was accepted, I probably would refuse the offer which is not a good move. Or is it good ? I don't know.

I really envy my friends who had enroll and start orientation weeks. And those who had something to do on their daily lives. I guess, it is not my time yet (the things that I keep reminding myself of).

• Present

Talking about what I am now, well, it is too easy. I am a daughter, full time daughter, a part time student (maybe once or twice per week, if that count) and the most important, jobless, unemployed. This is the present me. Living as the present me was as hard as living as the past me. I guess what that Chinese man in 'Madu Tiga' 

Hidup susah, mati pun susah

was true, after all. All right, ignore the randomness. Living as the 'now me' was a bit boring with a little taste of frustration that came with the package of depression and anxiety (just a little taste anyway). I was so frustrated with myself for not getting what the driving instructor told me to, I was frustrated because I dwell too much on what he said and what he did, I was frustrated because I think I did not do good enough. Well, if I were to list out all of my frustration, it will be never ending.

The point is me. I think that I did not do good enough. I think that I can't be the best. I had it all in my heads and I need to let it out but I can't. I don't know who should I told them to. And for the past week, I had distancing myself from people, even my very own family. It was not  a good move on my part but I had no choice. It was better to seclude myself away from people than having to break down in front of them just to explain all those little, silly things.

not mine; credited to the rightful owner

• Be grateful

For all things that happen this week, I will think of it as a lesson, the one that made me stronger. As for all the challenges that will come, I might be broke again, I might blame myself again, I might went down again, but I will get up, I will fight up and I will win. 

For this moment, I thank everything. Breathing exercise help me. All those negative thoughts will eventually disappear. It might came back, no, it will always be here. But I will make sure that it will be the least things that I think of. 

To those that happen to be having a hard time, you will get through it, one way or another, you will win.

-thes