Tuesday 31 December 2019

# me and my life

Twenty Twenty

edited with : canva.com

Assalamualaikum, greetings to everyone. Here we are, few hours away from the new year. First of all, thank Allah that I am still here, typing my heart away, granted a great health, surrounded me with people that bring the best out of me. 

Before the year of 2019 ended, I wanted to do a little bit of throw-back. I need all of the good and  the not-so-good memories to stay here in my personal space, aside from my journal so that I could looked back and reflect on how much I've grown and how far I've gotten. Also, some highlight of my moments in 2019. So, yeah, here we go !


Honestly, my last year as a diploma student was hard. I am sure that I had mentioned this few times in many of my entries throughout the year. The last semester might not be the toughest one but it is still challenging. This one last semester held so much memories, so much drama and so much headache. Well, student-life wise, I had a very hard time on balancing everything on my plates.

I had struggled so much and often caught myself cried to sleep was not cool at all. But, we all had that time of our life, right. When I finally get out of the examination hall for the final paper of the final year, it was an instant relief. I am done for my diploma, I had done my best, and all I need was to keep praying for the result.

The good-byes was hard. Especially with my Kuntum. They're all great people and definitely a great friend. I couldn't spent much time with my classmates after that because I was rushing home to pack up and get home (my sister was half an hour away and I still got so much to pack up). The sweet Nazirah even had to come to my house to give her farewell's gift.

cute things; cute notebooks, cute paw pen, and very cute handwritten letter

I also remembered the good times of spending the night at the hotel after annual dinner. It was a very good day, and night. Right after we had our fun in the hall of the hotel, we went up to our room and had some-not-really-pajamas party and of course, mask ! We had so much fun gossiping and playing around. And not to mention the much escapade to the beach to clear up our messed up head. It was a good time, really.


This is definitely a must mentioned. Before, I keep telling myself that it was hard and doubt myself a lot. But then, it was not that bad, at all. I guess, it was all in my head for I did it in the end. Although I am  a little bummed out for not having my mum (or any of my family members in this matter) at the ceremony, it was a great day after all ! Having Atina's parents was so so so great. Watching them as a family from the sideline were so cute that I kind of envy their relationship.

Oh, I received one of my picture during the ceremony yesterday's afternoon. Tsk, it was almost the end of the year and it took them, what, two months to post the picture. I couldn't understand that. Some of my friends didn't even received them yet.

More of my graduation story can be found on this entry !


Finally, my big family are growing bigger ! The count of my nephews and nieces as of 31st December 2019 is twenty one. Right, you read it okay, twenty one, 21. Guess what, it is the same as my age as of 1st January 2020 ! Wow ! And, I am still counting for how many more of them to come. Hehe.

Having another baby in the family is great, especially I couldn't be home more often when the 20th was born. Being eight hours away from the family sucks. But then, the 21st came like a rocket ! Yehey ! She's such a bundle of joy. I felt like smiling whenever I get the glimpsed of her very  very very chubby cheeks. Oh my god ! I keep refraining myself from touching that fluffy cloud-like cheeks.  I'm looking forward to the day she is bigger for I could have another kid to annoy. Hehe.


This is kind of hurt to write about. Hahaha. I had myself for failing the JPJ test twice ! Seriously, I don't even want to know how much money I had spent on a freaking card that would allow me drive (maybe someday I would  do calculation, please wait for it!). I am hoping 2020 would bring me joy in regards of this matter. Seriously.

So, pretty much, this is it for the highlight of my 2019. Generally speaking, I wanted to rant about my disappointment of  some things but I decided against it. I need the good vibes to take another step forward.

my new year resolution; sorry its ugly :(

Actually, this is my first time having a written new year resolution. Hahaha. By doing this way, I am hoping that I would be able to achieve every single one of them. So, without any particular order, I would explain a little bit of the ten resolutions that I had written on my journal (I have been using the same journal since 2016 and this is the first time I did this kind of thing ).

This is one important thing that I constantly remind myself of. I may had perform all five prayer without fail but I may had did them at the end of the time. And, that is not good. Especially for Subuh prayer. Say, I always did it at 6.30 am even I had woke up at six. I need to fix this.

It's been a dream of mine to continue my study. I wanted to at least had a degree but I wouldn't complain for more. My application back in September wasn't successful so yeah, I am looking forward for 2020's intake. In the mean time, I need to make up my mind on which course I wanted to further it. With all the pros and cons on the scale.

It was either my dream-course, psychology or reality-check, business, financing, accounting, statistical or whatever thing that works for me. So, yeah. 

Right after graduation, I have been spending my time quite carelessly. So, I need to manage my time wisely after this. I mean, no more lounging around doing nothing and maybe minimize the time I spent on gadgets (like, right now). A little less k-dramas and movies and more of helping and working out and learning which ever needed. 

This one thing is the thing that I should probably did since the time I submit my last final paper. But, after six months, I am still here, doing nothing. I kind of envy my friends who was gaining knowledge and some even getting money from their own limbs. I tried looking for online jobs, but it wasn't easy at all. Especially when I lack skills. I don't do fancy designing nor had a perfect understanding of coding nor I had a great English skills.  And to look for part-time jobs, it wasn't easy when you had no transportation. 

Maybe, it was just me giving out all kinds of excuses. I need to get my head straight !
Guess what ? I had a mental breakdown for an absolutely no reason. I could understand my struggles during my studies but I definitely didn't see this coming. I had a minor anxiety attack at nights when I wanted to sleep but I just can't because the tiny voices in me refused to shut up.  I even had them while I was watching k-dramas. Kinda sucks, aren't it ?

So, as of now, I wanted to keep in my to live in the moment and stop worrying of what is coming on my way. Worrying won't help me to get clearer sight of my future, right ?

I had realize one thing this year. I didn't read. I mean, I read all the online novels on Wattpad and malay novels of my favorite author, but I definitely did not read of the current issue. I lack this. The first time I realize this was when my lecturer asked us to present the current issue that going on around the world. 

This year, maybe I should start with something simple. Maybe not as heavy as international affairs  but enough to get me know what was going on in Malaysia. Beside that, I need to read more of physical books in stead of online books. I have been missing of doing this, especially self-help books. So, I need money and in order to get that money, I need income unless there's someone out there to sponsor me; which I doubt. But, if there is, please let me know !
I better cross this out as soon as possible. I am tired to waste my time and money for this.
I think I don't have to explain this, aite ? I am a normal human who tainted with sins. So, I need myself to keep away from repeating the same mistake I did in 2019. Fixing the habits that might turn into bad deeds and all. Yeah, I definitely need to improve my iman.
Relationships. With an S there. First off, I seriously am bad at keeping up with relationships. Be it friendship or family-hood or lover-ship. Now that I am miles away from my friends, I don't know what was going on in their lives. I waited for them to reach out to me, to tell me their day and all. But I never did initiated it. It was awkward for me to suddenly chat to them and asked for their day. I just, couldn't initiated it, no matter how much I tried.  And with my very bad usage of social media, sometimes I missed what they posted on and know nothing of it. But now, I am slowly making an effort to reach out for them.

As for family, hm, I found myself hide away from them. I constantly avoid family time for I am scared of what they would say of me. Yeah, I am insecure that way. I am okay if my friend said something about me but not if comes from my family members. Even when I had achieve something, I would mostly keep them to myself and never told anyone. Even if I did, it will only be one or two person (and they would spread the news which I found very uncomfortable). 

And I have no comment on lover-ship. I am not in this kind of relationship just yet and I am not in hurry. So, yeah. Let the time did it. Hahahha.
Mandarin is a language that I have been learning through an apps called Duolingo for about two years ? Or was it three ? Hahaha. It's an apps that I rarely used but never thought of uninstalling it. And I think, I had only finish two courses hahahha. So, yeah. I need to grow up and finish all the courses available by this year !

This is pretty much of my year of 2019 and the resolution of 2020. I planned for a little more of this entry but I kind of hurt my finger-tips so I need to stop. So, Happy new year everyone ! May you have a nice year ahead !



  1. Rajinnya akak taip panjang2 heheh btw saya pun rajin jugak sebab baca sampai habis hahaha ^^
    Btw Happy New Year!! Semoga next year banyak moments best2 untuk akak share dekat blog ni.Ngeee maybe lagi panjang dari entry ni ke.Hehehe gurau ja ;)

    1. Hehe, mood baik untuk menaip panjang boleh lah.. Insya-Allah.. Harapnya tahun 2020 ni tahun yang bermakna untuk kita semua <3

  2. Hari ini dah last 2019..
    Esok dah 2020..
    Happy new year..

  3. May Allah ease everythings that you planned. Fighting :)

    1. Aamiin !! I'm hoping for the best for you too =D