Thoughtless Thursday #032

 Assalamualaikum, good day dearest... Thought it wan't much a good day for me. Nope, actually it is week. Yeah, a very bad week that put a toll on my mind.

 I don't even know what happen last week but I just found myself crying to sleep. All night for a week straight. I think I was doing fine during the day but when it was time to sleep, I just keep crying. I am not sure why and that really took my energy away.

Maybe, it was the anxiety for the result of rayuan UPU, maybe, it was just my hormone acting up, maybe it was just me. But yeah, I am doing fine. I am anxious all week. And yesterday was the worse breakdown I had ever had in my life. 

I still haven't break the news of my another failure to my mom. Yes, another fail. Right after I checked the result, I tear up a little. I kind of see that coming but still, the reality hurts. I think T won't have another breakdown but last night, when it was time to sleep, I suddenly just couldn't breathe. I just keep on crying, crying and crying, in silence. I couldn't stop myself no matter how much I tried. 

I know and I am aware that I need to talk to someone but there's no one. I don't want to talk to my mom because I know will said nothing. I don't want to talk to my siblings for a tiny little issue, besides they wouldn't understand anyway. The only thing they could have said was, 'kau keje ajelah'. Friends? They had another problem to think of. Luckily there was this one friend of my mine back from my diploma years remembered me and asked for my well-being. Thanks Cunae for last night. Even though it was nothing big, it still is meaningful for me.

Am I fine now? No. Not yet. When will I be fine? I don't know. I am hanged up with the idea to continue my study as that is my wish for the longest time. It was also the only thing that I am good at. I am that plain girl who good and nothing but studying. And not doing what I am good at kind of drove me crazy. I doesn't know what should I do now. I just wanted to stop being a burden to everyone. But how?

I should stop now or else there will be another tears day. You know what, last week, whenever I opened up Twitter, I feels like every tweet that I saw first was like an advanced consolation for me. Most of them were from influencer's account (Mufti Menk, Mizi Wahid, Teme and some others). There was a tweet (doesn't remember the account) that said something along, 'Kita tak boleh paksa Allah untuk tunaikan doa kita'. And that, somehow, just stick to my mind. 

p/s: writing this with exile by taylor swift ft. bon jovi is a wrong move. i need to get up again, see you when i'm up and ready for another trial and hopefully no more breakdown!

-thes