Thursday 24 September 2020

# me and my life # thoughtless thursday

Thoughtless Thursday #032

 Assalamualaikum, good day dearest... Thought it wan't much a good day for me. Nope, actually it is week. Yeah, a very bad week that put a toll on my mind.


 I don't even know what happen last week but I just found myself crying to sleep. All night for a week straight. I think I was doing fine during the day but when it was time to sleep, I just keep crying. I am not sure why and that really took my energy away.

Maybe, it was the anxiety for the result of rayuan UPU, maybe, it was just my hormone acting up, maybe it was just me. But yeah, I am doing fine. I am anxious all week. And yesterday was the worse breakdown I had ever had in my life. 

I still haven't break the news of my another failure to my mom. Yes, another fail. Right after I checked the result, I tear up a little. I kind of see that coming but still, the reality hurts. I think T won't have another breakdown but last night, when it was time to sleep, I suddenly just couldn't breathe. I just keep on crying, crying and crying, in silence. I couldn't stop myself no matter how much I tried. 

I know and I am aware that I need to talk to someone but there's no one. I don't want to talk to my mom because I know will said nothing. I don't want to talk to my siblings for a tiny little issue, besides they wouldn't understand anyway. The only thing they could have said was, 'kau keje ajelah'. Friends? They had another problem to think of. Luckily there was this one friend of my mine back from my diploma years remembered me and asked for my well-being. Thanks Cunae for last night. Even though it was nothing big, it still is meaningful for me.

Am I fine now? No. Not yet. When will I be fine? I don't know. I am hanged up with the idea to continue my study as that is my wish for the longest time. It was also the only thing that I am good at. I am that plain girl who good and nothing but studying. And not doing what I am good at kind of drove me crazy. I doesn't know what should I do now. I just wanted to stop being a burden to everyone. But how?

I should stop now or else there will be another tears day. You know what, last week, whenever I opened up Twitter, I feels like every tweet that I saw first was like an advanced consolation for me. Most of them were from influencer's account (Mufti Menk, Mizi Wahid, Teme and some others). There was a tweet (doesn't remember the account) that said something along, 'Kita tak boleh paksa Allah untuk tunaikan doa kita'. And that, somehow, just stick to my mind. 



p/s: writing this with exile by taylor swift ft. bon jovi is a wrong move. i need to get up again, see you when i'm up and ready for another trial and hopefully no more breakdown!

-thes

16 comments:

  1. Hye kakak, bahu Hana tengah kosong ni. Akak nak sandar kepala tak? Hehehe jangan give up tau! sebab... Kakak Hana kan, dia pun macam akak jugak. Like... 2 kali kot dia gagal UPU walaupun result stpm dia actually 3.33 which is lagi bagus dari result Hana :') huhuh sedih sangt tengok keadaan dia masa tu. You know? Kawan2 dia semua dah gerak tempat study masing2 dan dia cuma mampu 'broken' je :') then suddenly miracle happened. Mashaallah rayuan ketiga dia diterima T^T. Sebab apa? Sbb ada student tarik diri last minutes. Alhamdulillah sangat, sekrang dia tengah otw nak konvo dah hehe
    .
    Apa yg Hana cuba sampaikn is, miracle tu boleh jadi bila2 masa yg Allah kehendak. Jadi akak jngn berhenti berharap pda Allah tau! Hana yakin akak akan jadi someone yg kuat dan better lepas lalui ujian ini. Confirm punya lah... heheh :3
    .
    Akak sabar tau! Hana yakin esok-esok mesti akak akan senyum lebar gila hehe. Amiin ya Allah ;) :)

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    1. awww, thanks Hana for lending me your shoulder... and thank you jugak for such a warm words and very encouraging messages... awak buat akak rasa nak nangis lagiii, ohh best of luck for your degree life !

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  2. Know what? I waited for one year to be enrolled in IPTA because I really wanted to further my study. All my other friends currently had almost finish their studies or even finished their studies and some of them have got married because they already got their job. And know what, I have been enrolled to one of best IPTA in Malaysia that I have been waited for one year, but my performance compared to diploma time are really disappointed and I have no one to talk about it. I believe my life has a really slow pace compared to others, but my dad always said that "lambat naik,lambat turun". Anything that comes late will be the longest with us. Anyway, I pray that both of us murah rezeki. Amiin

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    1. thank you for your kind words ! Insya-Allah, it will be better for the both of us...

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  3. oh baby :: i am sorry that u have to face this ... but please dont give up ok

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    1. thank you sis, i am not giving up just yet =D

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  4. dear, it's okay to cry alright? Kadang kita memang perlukan masa untuk nangis and let everything out. Nangis tak bermaksud kita lemah and saya yakin after this when you get up, you're gonna be stronger than ever. We're in our twenties, the hardest time in life. Masa ni lah kita rasa berbagai jenis kekecewaan. But, it's okay, we'll learn and be more mature along this journey. If you need a friend to talk to, feel free to reach out to me on my blog or Instagram okie? InshaAllah, saya boleh jadi your online comfort buddy :) as long as you don't give up, believe that something amazing is waiting for you at the end of the road <3

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    1. aaaa thank you for this kind words... i appreciated it so much <3

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  5. wanna know something?

    i entered universities 3 times, not because i fail...bcos of my condition. I am quite late rather than my friends who all have already finish their degree,got married but me? I am still learning.


    but i know, there are actually a BIG REASON,why i am here not like my others friend.
    Remember, you may plan..BUT Allah is the best planner.Don't give up with your life.

    Yes, you may cry but you need to stand up dear...Don't let your emotions to control you, but you the one who need to control it.

    I know this may not the best advice i can give, but i hope it cure you.
    May Allah bless you :)

    love
    Cuya
    https://nasuha-itsmyessay.blogspot.com/2020/09/aku-dapat-suprise-box-daripada-anak.html

    Things we want might not good for us,but things Allah wants are the best for us.

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    1. Thank you for reaching out. I hope you're in a better condition !

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  6. Keep on being positive.. Allah has best plan for you. Be patient and keep praying

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  7. Menangis.. lepaskan semua perasaan..
    Mungkin belum masanya untuk awak dapat apa yang awak nak.. insyaAllah bila tiba masanya ia akan datang pada awak.. Kalau tak ada bahu nak nangis.. Bahu saya ada.. Jangan simpan sorang-sorang.. Maybe a stranger will be much better for you to open up..

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    1. thank you kaksha... I wrote this just to let everything out and don't really expect this kind of responses... I agree that a stranger will be a much better person for me to open up. thanks again :D

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